In these past few weeks, I have been struggling to make a decision whether to let my son stay in the Waldorf School that he is currently in or to switch him to an International School that is Christian based. I debated and jumped back and forth in my mind over and over. As a matter of fact, we did decide to stay at this school until my ego took over and called my husband to tell him that Lucas was behaving really obnoxious in the school play, poking his friends and making faces while all his classmates were really engaged with the teacher and their parts. My husband immediately called the International School again and told them that we want to confirm and take their offer instead. At that very moment I could feel an overwhelming sense of dread and thought to myself as I snapped out of my egoic trance, what in the world did I do?
So as you can imagine, the next few days was spent in a battle of whether to keep Lucas in the Waldorf school or not but it was too late, my husband was already very determined to switch him given that he is a Christian himself. Then on Sunday the whole family went to the park together, it was raining very hard and as we walked home my husband pointed to the path on the left and said we should go that way. I looked and said that path is way longer; it would be much faster and direct if we turned right and took that path. And so he followed my suggestion instead. Metaphorically, this incident resembles our current situation in life, I can see that the path that I’m on right now can take us home much faster and is more direct, but in order to walk this path it feels like I need to expend so much of my energy and time to persuade my husband to follow me. And amidst my mess of thoughts and stress about the situation I was suddenly reminded by a teacher of mine that my heart is the one true guidance that I can rely on to help me make choices in life. So with that, I dropped in and to my surprise, when I envisioned the path of CAIS, I could feel my heart expand and my mind was still. But when I envisioned Waldorf, my heart felt contracted and my mind was immediately busy with thoughts. After that meditation session the phone rang and it was a call to ask if I had any clothes to donate. I wondered what message spirit was trying to tell me and as I hung up I realized that all along I had been desperately holding onto the identity of ‘Waldorf’ and Rudolf Steiner because with that identity I would appear more spiritual! Waldorf was simply another identity and I was more in love with the concept and philosophy of this system rather than actually living it. It was harder to let go of the identity more than the school itself.
With that, all the twirling thoughts in my mind ceased and I was able to come to a place where I realized that it didn’t really matter which school he went to, either way he will be completely fine. Yes, the things he learns will of course be different but if I took off the labels from both schools then it didn’t matter as much anymore because it would no longer come with any label that I can identity with.
This brings me to ponder about the teaching that I was listening to this morning from Adyashanti, he was saying how spirituality is a way of being. And the only way to go deeper is to actually make it a way of being rather than simply talking about it and being mind focused. On the same lines, the Waldorf system is not just a system of education; it’s actually a way of being, a way of life. To really embrace it, it calls you to make changes in your home, from the things you use, to media consumption even the songs you sing. If you don’t actually live it, then it simply becomes another concept in the mind for you to identify with just like spirituality.
Lesson: Life is not about collecting identities to create the person you want to project to the world, rather, its about living, embodying and being the qualities that these identities hold, and that is the way of being.
What are some of the identities that you label yourself with and what are the qualities that attract you to identify with them?